Insecurities

HELLO

As I’m settling into this new city, I remembered starting to write this blogpost a while ago. I put it off for one simple reason; I really didn’t want to share my insecurities.
A trend that I’ve noticed in my recent posts is that I’ll remind people constantly that I was very shy and insecure for the majority of my life. The reason why I do that is because I want those in a similar position as me a few years ago to realize that you don’t have to be super confident to achieve amazing things for yourself.
You do things anyway, and confidence is a result.
It doesn’t magically happen overnight, at least not for me.

I want to share these insecurities more specifically though, because overcoming them has been so important to me. I wasn’t born confident, I worked at it.
I hope you realize that you can do the same, if you are remotely like I was during my teenage years.
Some are silly, others were a lot more difficult to overcome.

Number 1: Skin

I had cystic acne for about four years, which started when I was fifteen. I was never bullied, but kids can be blunt and cruel. Little snarky remarks would make me cry, and I hated looking in the mirror. One breakout would dry up, and another appeared to take its place. I wore a lot of scarves and went on so many different treatments I doubt I could list them. The first modelling agency I ever went into looked at my face with pure disgust; they didn’t even try to be nice. When I went on Accutane and my skin cleared up, I was ecstatic.

Even though Accutane caused some serious side effects, I still don’t regret taking it. I remember that feeling of wanting one clear patch of skin on my face, just to imagine how an entire clear face would feel.
Because of this, I never look at anyone with acne with disgust. It’s nothing to do with you.
You’re not gross and you probably take better care of your skin than most.
Seeing a dermatologist helped me immensely. That guy deserves a medal for dealing with my hysterical breakdowns.
Seriously.

Number 2: Legs

I remember where this one started vividly.
During sports in school we had to go running one afternoon, and I had on a pair of shorts. I was standing next to my super-leggy best friend, and some kid just decided to announce in front of my entire class that I had fat legs compared to her. Everyone agreed, and laughed.
Mind you, I was a bit on the chubby side, but I don’t think I had fat legs at all.
I was bloody twelve.
Nonetheless, that comment stuck with me. I stopped wearing shorts to gym class, even during the summer.
I grew and I lost weight, but I kept feeling insecure about my legs. The same modelling agency had an issue with them because they were short. Newsflash; I’m not 178cm (5’10), so yes my legs are going to be shorter. Obviously.
I have my days where I still dislike my legs, other times I’m cool with them.
Advice to my younger self?
. In twenty years you’ll look back and think you’re an idiot for ever thinking you looked fat in the first place. Wear the damn shorts.

Number 3: Smile

This one is a little funny, since I get compliments on my smile regularly.
I think I look and sound like a dying whale when I laugh, but thanks.
I’ll take any compliment thrown at me, keep ‘em coming.
I’ve grown into liking my smile though, since I can’t really think of anyone who doesn’t look better and more beautiful when they smile. It makes you so much more approachable. I just hate forcing a smile in photo’s, hence the finger.
Smile more, it won’t hurt you.

Number 4: Stomach

Can’t forget about this one.
For years this bothered me soooo much. I’d look at pictures in magazines and online of these perfectly chiselled abs, and could not understand how mine had that little bit of flab right below my belly button.
I’ve realized that it takes hard work, eating the right foods and just basic genetics to get that kind of stomach. Photoshop also helps.
I’ve worked hard in the gym to achieve a more toned belly, and I’m happy with how mine looks now. I still have that little bit ‘extra’ fat , but I’m ok with that.
It’s a part of  me.

Number 5: Intelligence

Ending the list with my biggest insecurity.
My intelligence.
I looked up to my siblings a lot when I was younger, still do, and felt they all had this perfect ‘role’. My oldest sister was the smart one, my other sister was the pretty one and my brother was the creative and talented one. I’d get told I was funny, but I couldn’t see how that was any good. How am I supposed to get a job with the skill of being funny?
I wanted people to think I was smart, so I decided I wanted to be a doctor. I took all the subjects in school that a specific teacher told me I was too ‘dumb’ for, and he made it clear I would never achieve anything in the sciences. I proved him wrong, but I always felt stupid in class. I was terrified of raising my hand to give an answer, even when I knew I was right.

I got into med school, but felt like everyone else knew so much more than I did. I was always two steps behind, desperate to catch up. I felt so stupid that I stopped trying. I was exhausted, and didn’t like being in med school. The idea of being a doctor was great; I thought people would finally see me as smart if I became one. I felt even more dumb and like a major let down when I quit.
It took a while to get over those years of self-punishment.

My senior yearbook, where I announced my dream of wanting to become a pediatrician

Now that I’ve started telling people I model, I see a change in some peoples’ behaviour when I tell them.
It’s something I was very afraid of.
A job doesn’t make you stupid; many of the girls and women I’ve met so far are very intelligent and bright. Unfortunately, some stereotypes are hard to break. I’m still a little uncomfortable with telling people that this is my job, for exactly that reason.

 

Today I am very happy and proud to say that for the most part, I have become a pretty confident person. There will always be things I want to change and bad days happen for everyone, but I never fall asleep hating myself anymore.
My past job and my current one have played a major role. Whenever I feel crappy, I remind myself of everything I have done in my life. My achievements are what makes me feel good about myself; not what I look like.

I am who I am, regardless of someone else’s’ opinion of me.

Speak soon,

Love,

Liz

xo