HELLO
Earlier this week I went to a new hairdresser to do my hair, which is a weird fear of mine. It made me think of all the big and little fears I’ve faced and overcome, and I wanted to write about my most challenging one today.
For a big part of my short life, I’ve been a very scared and pretty insecure person.
We all have our insecurities and fears, I’d say it started for me when I was around ten years old and I moved across Europe from Italy to Belgium.
I began to worry about everything around that time. Things that were out of my control completely would keep me up at night.
The most intense fear I had, was abandoning my mom. I was terrified that she would die, especially if I wasn’t around. I stopped staying over at friends’ houses and instead asked them to stay with me. Eventually, I didn’t even want to go to birthday parties because I was afraid she would die while I was gone. I had extreme homesickness for years. I sort of got over the fear of her dying in my late teens, but the fear of leaving her stayed.
Because my mom was alone and I was the youngest, I dreaded the day I would have to move out. Not because I couldn’t take care of myself, but because I knew my mom would get lonely. I felt guilty for ‘leaving’ her, and came home every chance I got to make up for it.
That isn’t healthy, and it made me extremely unhappy.
I put someone else’s happiness before my own, in this case my mom. I stopped living for me and creating my own life, because I felt I had to look after her first. Of course it’s important to spend time with family, but not like that. I’m with my siblings whenever possible, but I can leave them knowing they’re fine without me and they have their own life.
I can’t do that with my mother.
I have dreams and goals of my own I put on hold for years because there was no way I could combine them with looking after my mom. I’m not a fan of therapy, but it did help to make me realize how toxic this relationship was becoming, which brings me to the topic of this post.
My biggest fear was always to leave my mom, while my biggest dream is to travel and work across the world. Those can’t coexist. Last year I started travelling more, and every time I left I felt like I could finally breathe and relax. Every time I came back, I’d feel the guilt again. The idea of moving to another country became more real with every trip I took.
I’m facing my fear this year, since I’m putting my degree on hold and I’ve moved to Athens to model fulltime. Before then, I only ever modelled part-time. I wanted to have a set schedule and consistency, which is not possible in this industry.
A lot of things happened at the end of 2016 which helped me to make this decision, and I’m glad I did.
Of course I’m still scared. Nothing in my life is certain right now, and I’m living out of a bloody suitcase for months. I don’t know where I’ll be in six months’ time, but that also excites me. I get the chance to do this, so I’m grabbing the opportunity while I still can.
Facing your fears might be scary, but doing it could be the best thing for you. It might not be as bad as it seemed after all.
I want to end this post with a question to you, one I love to ask myself as well from time to time;
“Would your ten year old self be proud of you right now?”
I know one thing for sure; my ten year old self would think I’m an absolute badass.
Thinking about that makes me super proud. It helps to keep me motivated and keep focussed on what I want most, instead of what I want right now.
Don’t let your fears hold you back; the regret will hurt you so much more in the long run.
Thanks for reading,
Speak soon.
Love,
Liz
All images were taken during my last week in Utrecht
xo
