Bad Habits

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Hello,

I hope you’re all well.

In my last post I wrote about how everyone, including myself, shares the best of who they are on social media. I don’t think it’s bad, as long as you realize what you are posting and remind yourself and others that you’re just another human with flaws every once in a while.

That is why I wanted to write about some of my bad habits today.
Some I’ve gotten under control, others I struggle with to this day.

Let’s start off with the one I’m probably most embarrassed of:

1. Eating habits

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I have some weird eating habits I developed when I was a teenager. Back then I had way bigger issues with eating than I do now, going as far as to say I was borderline anorexic. Never diagnosed, because I was very aware of the criteria of anorexia at the time and made sure my BMI never dropped low enough to actually be diagnosed or treated.
Sometimes I do wish it would have been dealt with back then, because I still get nervous around food and certain food situations.
Mainly around other people.
My mom wouldn’t believe me when I’d say I had eaten (with good reason), so I made up this rule to never eat alone. I would only eat when I knew people could see me, so there was no reason to accuse me of not eating. To this day, I find it difficult to prepare and enjoy meals on my own. It’s gotten better, but it’s still not as it should be. It doesn’t help that I see mealtimes as a social event to be shared with others. Eating alone seems like a ‘waste’.
Work in progress this one, solo travelling helped a lot.

2. Swearing

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Moving on to a more light-hearted topic.
I’ve been swearing since I was six years old and called one of my friends a whore for the first time.
I had no idea what it meant, but she told her mom who told my mom and I was in big trouble. I’m the youngest of my family and little kids suck up what they hear as a sponge. What also did not help was that my mom thought South Park was a kids cartoon and allowed me to watch it from a young age. Nice one.
I’m convinced I learned English from Eric Cartman.
Swearing is not ladylike and I try to keep it to a minimum. I’m better at it when speaking English, I curse pretty much every other word when I talk Dutch.
Bad.

3. Smoking

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Hi family.
Hope you’re not reading this.
I smoked for about two years consecutively, and I don’t think anyone close to me knew about it.
It didn’t start socially like it does for most people, I was a pretty good kid and said no to drugs or smoking. For some reason, I wanted to try it when I turned 18. I bought a pack one day and started smoking two cigarettes every morning after I had finished work at the hospital.
Yes, hospital. Where people die. From cancer. FROM SMOKING CIGARETTES.
No particular reason why I started, I just liked doing it.
I do realise I am an idiot.

Later on it became a more social thing, ever since I got more involved with modelling. It’s pretty standard that people in the modelling industry smoke, especially in Paris.

Quitting was relatively easy, but I can still crave smoking every once in a while. Mostly when I’ve been drinking or I’m around people who smoke.
I’m not opposed to smoking in photos, though. I like the look of it and I think it can be really artistic.

4. Anger

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Although I like my anger in certain situations, it has caused problems.
I’m not a physical confrontation type of person, although it might get there if I keep going, but I can be really snarky with words.

I got into a verbal fight with a teacher for the first time at sixteen and got my class so riled up about this dude that he eventually got fired.
In my defence, he shouldn’t have been such a racist prick.

In college I got into altercations with professors every other semester. I vividly remember yelling at one of them during a seminar that his dick wouldn’t grow by acting like one.
Zing.
Guess who failed that class?
I did

At the same time, getting angry has gotten me ahead. I never just randomly get mad at someone. Being angry helps me to work harder and it’s the reason I started going to the gym three years ago. In moderation, it can be a good thing.
I do realize I’m out of line sometimes as well. Again; working on it.

5. Men

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Let’s blame daddy issues for this one, because I always go for the same type of class 1 A-hole fuckboy.
It’s a gift, really.

I’m super closed off when it comes to my love life, always have been.
Nowadays I kind of talk to one of my sisters about it, and my best friend. Even that makes me uncomfortable.
I really hate dating and I rarely have a crush. I can’t date someone I’m just not that into. I don’t understand girls who go from relationship to relationship, do you really fall in love that easily?

Without sounding like an arrogant witch ( trying not to swear here) It’s not like guys or men don’t show interest in me.
They do, pretty often.
It just makes me royally uncomfortable and I won’t even realize someone is flirting with me until my friends point it out.
I make an effort to be nice when someone is nice to me, and it gets taken out of context. Makes for an awkward interaction where I slowly try to ghost someone.  I’m just really bad with flat-out rejection.

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The VERY few guys I’ve dated were pushy and dominant people, I’m guessing because of their own insecurities.  It’s not a nice feeling to be pushed or shamed into doing things you don’t want to do. Whether that’s partying, drugs or sex.
 Or taking down an Instagram picture.
 Fuck you buddy I’ll post what I want.

They were also not very loving or affectionate, and all of them left me in one way or another. For some reason, I’ll go for that type over and over.
Daddy issues, I’m telling you.
Guys who are generally considered ‘nice’ usualy bore the absolute hell out of me. I want some excitement. Not a f*cking lamp who just tells me how pretty he thinks I am.

But I always say this: I’d rather be alone forever and feel good about who I am than be with someone who makes me feel horrible about myself. Whether that’s a fuckboy who messes with my feelings, or a lamp who makes me fall asleep by simply being around me.

So anyway, those are some of my bad habits.

I’m sure I have many more, but I wanted to keep the list pretty short.

Hope you enjoyed reading through these and I’ll see you again very soon 😉

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Love,

Liz

xo

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